It feels kind of strange to write about my depression, as anyone can guess it’s a very personal and sensitive topic. I, never in a million years thought that I’ll be writing a blog post about this. But I feel it’s important for me to share my experience as a cautionary tale for recent graduates and a source of comfort for medical students who are already dealing with depression. I just hope this post helps someone out. So, here it goes.
I, like a lot of Pakistani medical graduates, decided to stay home after graduation and study for Usmle step 1. I expected I would have the same level of productivity as in medical school. But my expectations couldn’t be farther from the reality. I found myself struggling, trying to get used to staying at home and studying. I couldn’t for the life of me stick to a routine. I wasn’t accomplishing my daily goals which stressed me out immensely and because of this stress, it was becoming harder for me to focus. I missed med school and the structure it gave my life. I missed the social life, the deadlines, the clinical rotations and even the exams.
This transition from being an undergrad to a grad was tougher than I had imagined, and I knew I was lagging behind. I was continuously comparing myself to friends who had already given their exams and were applying for the residency match. My mind was in a constant frenzy. I wanted to get done with my exams as soon as possible, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t calm myself enough to focus. I was growing more hopeless with each passing day.
I was falling into depression and I had no idea what to do with myself. I was surrounded by people who looked like they had their act together and I felt completely lost. I listened to a lot of advice from a lot of people and I kept trying to push myself to fit into a timeline created by others. I made countless schedules, only to have them destroyed by overwhelming anxiety. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, or smart enough because it was taking me a lot more time to go through the course. I had to study everything to my level of perfection, because the stakes with this exam are high. But the level of perfection I demanded from myself not only took a lot of time, it was also impossible to achieve with my level of anxiety.
I started doubting my abilities. I felt I was studying for a goal, which in my mind I believed I couldn’t achieve. I was breaking under all the pressure I had put on myself. I started dreading books and sometimes I couldn’t even open a book for days at a time, because of all the anxiety.
Writing all of this is tough as it brings back painful memories. Back then I felt like I had no control over my brain or my emotions. Now that I have recovered from my depression, I just want to help as many people as I can. After all, isn’t this what being a doctor is all about?
If you are stuck in a similar situation and need help, feel free to e-mail me 🙂
International Medical Graduate-Mental Health Support 